Dear Readers,
Hark! For there is trouble going down in the blogosphere, and no mistake. I am afraid that, yet again, my extensive research project, "Comparisons of the representations of the mythical figures 'Shawty' and 'Lorelei' in Hip-Hop, R&B and Folk" has been tossed aside to write about a dangerous incidence of 'umbrage'. I tried to tackle this as politely as I could, thinking initially this post could be just
about malapropisms but unfortunately I think I may need to meet head-on the aforementioned 'umbrage' that was 'taken' by one
of my highly vigilant (some might say, TOO vigilant) followers. Apparently, (ha!
as if!) in my last post I wrote about my decision to monetise my blog using AdSense, saying:
"here’s hoping none of my three followers take umbrance with this"
which really IS quite
ironic, as I never wrote that. And besides I have four followers now. In fact,
I think you’ll find that if you look back I never wrote any such thing. I urge
you all to go and check. Obviously, I wouldn’t have written such a thing, as
“umbrance” is not a real word and I only know words that are real. Like 'spoon' and 'zygote', two examples I use often in common-parlance. Obviously,
now you might say, “ooh, but couldn’t you have just gone and changed it to make
it look as if you never had made such a mistake, thus making yourself good?” Well, again, obviously the answer is NO, as I have never knowingly
done, nor would I do, anything to make myself look good. Going back and changing the
nonsenical malaprop “umbrance” to the correct word, or even, just changing it
to some other wholly wrong or inappropriate hodge-podge in order to create a sense of bathos would just be totally
out of character, (*cross my heart, hope to die, throw my collection of Stewart Lee DVDS on a bonfire*).
At the risk of further
isolating my loyal and first-cyber-born follower who is probably already rather
at the end of his tether with my time-consuming (albeit impeccably
well-written) monologues about how I haven’t got much to say but I’d like to
analyse why I think that is, so as to invent something to say, interspersed
with topless pictures of Michael Fassbanger (sic); I would just like to invite
the rest of my extensive following to
consider for a moment the reliability of a man who writes under the pseudonym
“Finnginn”. Yes! Finnginn! Very cutesy and asinine you might at first think.
Perhaps he just really likes the name Finn, perhaps he likes gin, perhaps he
likes the Finnish story of the Moomins and picked the next consonant in the alphabet to create a rhyme
with ‘Finn’. Tosh! There is something much more insidious at play here. FINNGINN-
if that is your real name, which it’s evidently not- I would like to know what
you are trying to achieve by choosing a username which rhymes so blatantly with
the old-fashioned oft-mispronounced forename ‘St John’? You haven't got away with it that easily, you see, as I have realised that this is a flimsily disguised reference to
the literary character St John Eyre Rivers, the clergyman and cousin of Jane Eyre, the heroine of the eponymously
titled novel, a film remake of which was released only last month, a fact which could
barely have passed your scrupulous eye. And, who, pray-tell, starred in the
lead role as Rochester?? None other than MICHAEL FASSBANGER (sic) himself! A clever Moriarty-like dig,
indeed, Mr Finnginn, but I'm steadily gaining on you, whatever that might mean. And don’t bother trying to explain away the coincidence by
saying you’ve "had that username for years and that it's got nothing to do with you or your strange obsession with a mediocre actor you actually knew nothing about until only a few months ago". I suppose you’ll be saying next that
you had that moniker in mind when I was still nothing but a drunken twinkle in my
daddy’s wandering weegie eye! You'll be saying that this nom de plume was invented by your own father who named the twinkles in his own eyes 'Finn' and 'Ginn' and that I wrote this whole piece as an
excuse to post another gratuitous picture of Fassbanger (sic).
Now I know why there is a 'report abuse' button at the top right of the screen.
ReplyDeleteNo one's safe.
ReplyDeleteYou haven't denied it, however.
ReplyDelete